apostate_96 ([info]apostate_96) wrote in [info]al_anon,
2011-09-18 11:56:00
  • Mood: thoughtful
  • Music: "The Cave" by Mumford & Sons

Amends Question

I've got a question for those who read and post here, having to do with making amends. I've gone through the steps before, and I've gotten to do several of them before. However, I think I've gone one coming up that I'm not sure how to deal with. The question I run into is how does one go about making amends to someone who's dead.

The background on that is that my wife passed away about 7 months ago, having taken her life. I'd decided to work the steps again, specifically around her suicide. I'm currently on six, but I can see that one coming up. Doing the inventory helped me see how much I had done well in our time together, but there are also some things that I'd done badly, that I really wish I'd have done differently. With someone who's alive, I know how to approach them, to own up to what I've done, to offer amends, to do what I can. However, that's a bit more complicated with someone who I can't physically see or approach or even call or write to. As of yet, I still haven't found the Celestial Telegraph Office....

Any ideas that people have to share here would be most welcome.

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  • 4 comments

[info]momduels

September 19 2011, 17:52:02 UTC 8 months ago

Just a suggestion, either just speak to her out loud, because I'm still sure the ones that have passed can hear us or, write out what you want to say to her then attach it to a helium balloon and let it go. Either will give you a sense that you made an effort to make amends. Sometimes we can't do them face to face like we want to but these two ways have worked for me in the past.

[info]apostate_96

September 27 2011, 04:32:05 UTC 8 months ago

Thanks. I appreciate the ideas. I know I've still got some other work to do before I'm on the ninth step, but it helps to at least have some options for how to approach it.

[info]cjhm

September 26 2011, 15:59:44 UTC 8 months ago

My mom died when I was 25, 3 weeks before my first daughter was born. I got into Al-Anon about a year later. It took me almost 10 years to be able to talk about her without crying (okay even now it's hard). Initially I journaled a lot, including things written to her. But in the end, now, after many years, my amends for me had to include more than an apology, I had to change my attitudes and actions. In changing myself, I have worked hard to become the daughter she would have been proud of. And when I come across a situation that is familiar - one I went through with her and I behaved so horribly, I am now able to be compassionate and loving. I am blessed that my daughters do not treat me as badly as I treated my mother, but then my mother never made it to the age I am now and my children are older than I was when she died. and each day I forgive myself and remind myself to be the best example of my program that I know how to be.

This may not apply to a spouse, but it's the most major experience I've had with someone dying, and it has formed the base for my amends to other people.

[info]apostate_96

September 27 2011, 04:35:23 UTC 8 months ago

That makes a lot of sense. I'm glad you found something that worked for you. I can see how it could also apply to a spouse, even if it's working to become more of the man that I would've liked to have been with her.

I've got some other work to do before I get to the ninth step, but I do find it helpful having some ideas of how to go about making those kinds of amends.
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